Realization

Its 4: 18 in the morning and something has dawned over me that is not letting me sleep. It is the realization that there has been a lost couple of years in my life, which in short is my MBA life that I have spent without the craving to improve. Barring my 2 months at my internship which I spent well learning stuff I had pretty much stopped my time being contended being myself and being where I was . In fact it seems to me that I may have moved backwards. So in essence I don’t know what s going around in the world.

A realization is nothing if you don’t do anything about it. So I have decided to do something about it. So basically I need to improve in everything around me. So in short it means I am not done yet. The only conflicting thought that comes to my mind is where to draw the line. I know girls are usually very good at it and in fact manali keeps on telling me to get my priorities straight but that s the way we are, I mean messed up jokers who would always walk to one extreme or the other and lose a lot on the way.

So basically again it’s a pledge to set things straight, get priorities right and do what is meant to be.

 

SHAME!!

So it happens to anyone and everyone to us. We criticize the government for corruption, politicians for their demeanor, actresses for their smaller dresses and frivolous affairs and what not. And everyone and mind you, Everyone, here behaves as if he is actual representation of Ram Rajya in this world and is the perfect person on earth.

And one of those people is me. I stopped cheating in exams once I figured it is wrong. I would certainly not indulge in things that I think are wrong. But the best part of not doing wrong is that you get to decide what is right and what is wrong for you.

For I decide that cheating in exam is wrong but copying an assignment is not! For I get to decide that drinking alcohol is bad but having it as an ingredient in your high profile supper preparations in not. These things don’t get you and your soul. Probably, because it is finally about PERSPECTIVE.

But in spite of always thinking that what I do is right and feeling proud about it, I was put to shame by a frivolous action of greed. Today I ordered a pasta parcel at an outlet and when I went back to get it the waiter handed over me a packet with pasta and garlic bread. Confused I thought maybe he has given me someone else’s packet. I went out then realized it is wrong and turned back.  But then again changed my mind saying may be it is meant to be. And finally came down to my bus screwing my integrity. And probably the extra bread sufficed for all my guilt.

Then suddenly I realized something. It was the complimentary bread u get with pasta. The feeling of shame got me. I bet it was not anger on my foolishness but pity on my small thinking. It is not because I did something wrong but in fact because my intentions became wrong. On the judgment day if I am asked why I did this, I can’t even blame PERSPECTIVE.

At times your higher sins may be forgotten, but the smaller sins that you do may never leave you.

 

Standing up for myself

After signing on for the ‘Post a day’ at WordPress, the whole day went about thinking about the stuff I will blog about. Already it seems that the life has upgraded from what should be my facebook status to what I will I blog about today.

So it was a plethora of topics that I siffled through over the full day but finally as it usually happens what I remember the most i.e. the latest that happened is what I am going to blog about.

So now usually my line of thinking has been to take it all unto me and give back a smile. So whether it be some sarcasm or some jibes thrown over at me, the response was always to smile or at most just be quite. In spite of it not get my heart and soul sour and never ever give it a second thought.
But just a small incident that happened while I was coming back to campus from city made me revisit my thoughts or probably my strong held beliefs. So, let me make it very clear that it’s just revisiting them and not challenging them yet.

So it happened when over a menial comment of a friend I felt a question deep inside me. Why is that even when other people may not agree with one another or may be think in some way similar to me always end up standing on the other side than where I do. So this happens every time whether I am in an argument or its just a casual jokes and comments. It inevitably happens that my friends end up on the other side and I feel alone.

So this post is not about my internalization of what is going wrong, but just a statement to me that I am bloody well sick of standing alone. So if it can’t happen that there is someone standing with me than I would better not stand there at all. So it’s a decision to not take it anymore. Coz probably my say nothing needs to be in limits after which it becomes oppression.

 

My CAT Diary entry: only for the interested

This  all was written in my diary, I wrote after my CAT examThis all is in no particular order, has been written just as things came to my mind

“One thing that took over me in past half an year was CAT. Now that I look back at all those days what I see?

CAT It all started, I don’t know where, may be some event of Drishtant where I heard interesting things about MBA and cat preparation. All the mind boggles, IQ questions and all.So nascent in my thinking I was, that I took it as a piece of cake. But still things looked mushy this side and the love started. I felt it may be an escape for this may be what I may do after the boring engineering.And before I knew it I had started exploring the topic. I know, many seniors at Drishtant boosted it just by being such mavericks whom you look and think “ if people like this are MBA aspirants than what I d like least is to be an MBA aspirant in true sense.”

Things got serious for me in the second semester itself for people said read. Read what? Novels ……. Yeaaaaak. No matter how fancy the name seems but still they are bbbbbooks. Well anyhow I started with 1 nite at the call centre. Took 12 days to complete it……..I didn’t know at that time but when I look back now I see that the foundation was laid at that moment when I borrowed the book from my roommate.

I was not a hard working guy and never did think I can focus on anything …. But the complaints are there no more. I don’t still know what ll be the results but still one thing this cat has given me is that I have understood myself more and I respect myself now. Love is different, everyone loves oneself but respect is what actually we fight for in this world. Its not that I never respected myself or didn’t have faith in me, but never in such abundance. I had a strong faith always but never had anything concrete for myself out of it . CAT brought that with it.

FLASHBACK- I still remember the day anuranjan shetty [one of my good good seniors] forwarded me a message that he was forwarded by someone sayin

7 reasons why I want to do cat:-

I want revenge from myself

1. I like to study even on holidays
2. I like to stay away from my friends and famly
3. I want to torture myself
4. Etc etc

At that time I thought that this all is nothing but a farce, created to deter people from preparing. I tried a lot and never let that happen fully but still these colors did color in my life.

It is tormenting to have something inside your mind 24X7. What I did most during my cat journey was to think about it all the time. And it was not just cat but iims. I never dreamt of iims must say, coz I never knew how they looked like but just thought of the name.

But still thanx shetty for the warning.

 

Once someone had told me u need a good profile to get thru cat. And so I was there at IITs taking part in techfests, improving my pointers… Well I started with 7.22 in first sem and have come down to 8.4 cumulative and this thing naveen could never have done on his own. Thus there was someone who taught him this. There are many people who learn on their own but many infact most learn from their teachers. And here I got one in the form of a senior cum friend Ms. Arunima saboo. We first met at an IBC event for she was an executive member when I came in first year. She was the one who taught me the “Hardwork is indispensible” mantra. She was the one to teach me to be focused on your goal and the value of sacrifices. She once said to me if during exams skipping a meal and studying at that time makes me get to the top, I would rather miss 2 to make it sure I get to the top. She was a big support behind me preparing for IIT kgp s techfest during my second year when only a few people went and I had to stay back during holidays all by myself. She also guided me somewhat on design and once I made a design for magazine that never got published. But I and she both were proud of the idea of metamorphosis in it now that I think represents me.

 

DRISHTANT… my first love in this college…. This is how I describe it. No prizes for guessing that this is the place that decided how ‘d I spend my 4 years in the college and how would I grow. A place where I felt home, a place where I was happy. It handed me over my dreams, my aspirations, my ambition, my growth and everything. 

During my cat preparation there have been n number of times when I thought of cutting off from everyone for time was a problem , but everytime it came the turn of a D-event  to be missed I used to think “This is where it all started, this is where it all grew. This is the place that keeps alive the original naveen in me, It preserves him. This day if I don’t make it there and some day if I don’t make it to CAT the thing I ‘d regret the most is loosing everything….. even my own self. This is the least I can pay for my soul and this is least I can pay for myself…. Least I can pay for drishtant … my drishtant.” So never missed an event due to Cat.

 

Funky4

The best thing one can get is good companions but even in this I got the best of best. All 4 A top-ers were the part and parcel of my college life and my cat preparations. Doku Hitesh Ashir Anuroop all 4 of them were there when I needed them.. Infact they were also there when I didn’t need them [laugh ppl humor intended].

I still remember the days they were busy brushing up my negative thoughts and apprehensions, their refusal to acknowledge that I can perform bad, they defending me in front of others . This was coupled with the understanding and acceptance about us giving time to cat and the rescheduling of all our planz coz of that.

Its been enormous number of times that we had dinners at 10pm on feast days due to our cl classes. They [2 of them coz we 3 were in class] did suffer but never said so. If there s something I owe them for, there would be for that silent bond of understanding. Thanku

I also made a lot of friends during my preparation. both in and outside college. In and out of batch. During that phase only I came in contact with a lot of juniors too who became friends so fast that I could not believe in the speed. Among them were many who kept a constant track of my performance and well it seemed to me that my cat was becoming important to them coz for some reason they identify with something. DEJA-VU felt the same during pathik’s preparation, a senior who guided me a lot and with whom I identified myself and respect him for he was able to walk over a more difficult path. And specially that one i could never dare tread

Then also there s a friend who not only with the trust entrusted in me but by example setting became my inspiration. I always get inspired by hard working people and my elon is one of them.  The next arunima of my life who showed the way ahead and kept me on that. Yes a long and in fact critical period of my preparation went with me having her by my side. And yes Doku the decision seems to me to be right. I don’t know what the results are going to be but what I know is that some relations are born to strengthen a person and not weaken him… and this is one of them. Then there was also Surbhit too whom we had to run to just the day cat was done. I told u I ll come to indore once CAT is done right.

And ya back then when I was just running just after making profile good there came a person who brought me on the track. Mr. shailendra dondial my IA teacher [thanx shree and abhiram fr suggesting IA] , for he taught me the fact that written exam is important the most as per now. Otherwise I d b running after profile all the time.

It seems like those who ask get the best every time they ask for. CL was my home after IA and a good home it was. We had a blast from day1 till last in Cl and well a great contributor to my journey , Cl proved to be a good companion all through. I got everything at the correct time[except the management compass .. kyun Doku?]. Those long days studying in library , duals between me and sugandh in mamata mam’s class that stretched the classes by an hour, childish apprehensions, anil sir’s belief, Darpan sir’s bindassness, mamata mam threatening to slap me next time I said anything negative. I would never forget that last anil sir’s marathon that gave me 3 ques in cat.

There have been many times in cl when I felt important or was snubbed or was even hyped. I don’t remember the mock but I had got an All india rank. There was so much of it that I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t like the way ppl smiled but their eyes spoke of jealousy. I don’t know what happened after that but I fell from top and suddenly things were out of my hands.

This was the start. Welcome to paradise. This was in last 2-3 months. My scores dwindled — 1 mock I said its okay….2^nd  I ll try and do better….. 3^rd … I should try its possible….4^th  I should try hold up things now…5^th I am lost.

This was where my confidence started shaking and it was just a casual comment on my exam centre by dheeraj sir that St. Mary’s school…………. its lucky.

And well things turned their way. I don’t kno where the luck lies in st. mary’s or in my confidence within that was restored but it surely lies somewhere.

One thing I did , may be wrong or right I don’t know, is hiding my mock results from my parents coz I didn’t want to raise their hopes and in the end give them nothing. Lets see what happens but still the support and trust they entrusted me with rarely children get.

 

And as I say I got whatever was needed at the right time… last decemeber I had done an Art of Living course. I had gone there to improve profile but in the end improved something else. My own self. I seriously have no idea what would I have done to handle the immense stress I faced in last few months. May be would have simply cried it out to myself but there was a better way to handle it…. With a smile.  Thank god I received it at the right time , at the right place. I can never undermine sudarshan kriya’s contribution to my journey. Never.

I don’t know what brings me to write all this over here on my blog…… may be coz many people wanted me to write about my journey , but I would like to thank everyone who contributed for it was their journey too. And now that it was a successful journey.